Introspection

I always feel sort of introspective this time of year.  You see, I've got a birthday and an anniversary coming up (42 and 21, respectively) and they always make me feel just a little blue.  I know how odd that sounds, really, I do.  It's not that I'm unhappy with my life or my marriage, just the opposite, in fact.  What gets me down is that birthdays and anniversaries are a reminder of all that's passed.  Over time, my focus seems to have shifted from what is today and what will be tomorrow to all the yesterdays that will never be again.

photo courtesy of Google images

It's pessimistic to think that way, I suppose, even though I don't think of myself as a pessimist.  I see the glass half full, but in the back of my mind, I guess I'm marking the water line on the glass with a sharpie.  Birthdays and anniversaries aren't the issue, anyway. Any day and every day stand to mark the passage of time. I just tend to think more about it around those days.

I know that most of it comes from being a parent. When our kids were both little, I would think; we're raising our children to be responsible and independent so that they will someday be grown up and on their own. That day seemed so far away it was barely worth thinking about. Now that they're getting older the emphasis has changed to; grown up and on their own. Someday doesn't seem so far off now and it makes me sad.

photo courtesy of Google images

I used to have this notion, and maybe I still do, that I could grab onto a piece of time and keep it for a while.  That I could stop time from moving forward, pick a moment, and just live there as long as it suited me.  I could revisit the time, right after we were married, when we spent our Friday and Saturday nights having dinner and drinks with friends who've since moved away.  I could go back to the days when my son was a toddler who was happy to spend an afternoon watching Winnie The Pooh with me.  Or I could relive a family vacation in 2005 when my husband and I made sand sculptures with our daughter on the beach while our son gathered shells.  I could even wind back the clock to the days when I didn't worry about my parents getting older.

There are those singular moments in time whose passing I mourn in some way, too.  Those rare, perfect gems that come along once, never to be experienced again.  Our wedding day was one of those.  I remember so clearly standing with my dad, waiting to walk down the aisle to the man who was about to become my husband.  I was literally and figuratively looking my future in the eye.  It was a moment that changed and shaped my life, our lives, in such a wonderfully profound way.  Almost 21 years later and we're still as crazy about each other as we were on that day.  But, oh, to experience that moment again....

Walking down the aisle with my dad

April 22, 1989

All that being said, I don't hate birthdays and anniversaries and I haven't lost my ability to appreciate today.  I know there will always be wonderful memories waiting to be made.   I just hate the fact that, the older I get, the older everyone I care about gets.  I miss the days when I didn't worry about that.....

Willoughby