Thursday, October 7, 2010

Rethinking Summer Friendships And Why Buttered Bagels Are So Funny

This summer, we made some new friends.  Their company was pleasant, so we extended an open invitation for them to stop by anytime.  We looked forward to their visits and didn't mind when it became a daily ritual.  They always seemed to show up hungry, so we made sure to keep plenty of their favorite foods in the house.  We wanted to be good hosts.

For a while, it was a harmonious relationship and we were all benefiting from it in one way or another.  Still, though, by the end of summer I was beginning to think that they didn't really respect us.  I wasn't initially put off by their sloppiness, but at some point it became an issue.  Wherever they went, a mess seemed to follow.  They never made any effort to pick up after themselves.

They have never invited us to their home and they never bring anything to share when they come to ours.  It's become obvious that all they really want is a free meal and that they're not looking for any sort of meaningful friendship, but I still felt the need to serve something the last time they stopped by.  In their usual style, they ate and left.

I found out that they've been making themselves at home when we're not around.  And not only have they been coming by for a meal, they've been practically living just outside our back door.  Apparently, they were looking for someplace to hang out during the rain storm last weekend, so they decided our back porch was just the place to do it.  They did more than just relax on our furniture, they tore the grapevine wreath apart and used the couch cushions and the floor as their own personal bathroom.  It was a disgusting mess that required a massive clean up.

I still have fond memories of the lovely warm summer afternoons we spent together, but I'm not sure whether I want them back in my life after what they did.  One thing is for certain, if they are no longer welcome at our house, they'll find someone else to take advantage of.  While I'm not usually in favor of using my blog to settle personal differences, I felt I needed to show you what they look like so you'll know what you're in for should they show up at your house.

Sure, he looks harmless, but he has no respect for your outdoor furniture.

He'll spill his food all over the ground and never offer to clean it up.
They're fun to watch and listen to, but I'm not sure that's enough to make cleaning bird droppings off upholstered furniture worthwhile.  Will we continue to fill the bird feeders?  Maybe.  I'm still waiting for them to apologize.

Why Buttered Bagels Are So Funny

My daughter is a lot like me.  She finds words endlessly fascinating.  She's always asking me how different things got their names or how languages developed.  We often wonder what the first spoken word was and who it was spoken by.

Sometimes, just for fun, we like to take a common word or phrase and change it.  Recently, we focused on body parts.  We couldn't decide why fingers and toes, being similar appendages, had such different names.   Were they both named at the same time?  Did one person decide on their names or was it a group effort?  How strange would it be if they were renamed and what would they be called?  We considered quite a few options and came up with foot fingers.  Imagine, if you will, how it would sound to use foot fingers in place of the word toes

"Ow!  I just stubbed my foot finger on the coffee table."

"Are you sure those shoes fit?  It doesn't look like there is enough room for your big foot finger."

"I have a hole in my sock.  My foot finger is sticking out."

From there, we moved on to the word butt (my daughter is 10, butts are funny when you're 10).  This time, instead of just changing the word, we decided to swap it with another word beginning with the same letter.  Our number one choice was bagel.  So the idea is, bagels would now be called butts and your butt would now be known as your bagel.  Got it?  It could sound a little something like this:

"I'm putting butts in the toaster.  Would anyone like cream cheese on their butt?"

"I don't like my butt toasted.  I prefer eating my butt cold."
"I slipped on the stairs and fell right on my bagel."

"Do these jeans make my bagel look big?"

And that is why buttered bagels (translation: buttered butts) are so funny.  At least to us they are.  If we make any more changes to the English language, I will be sure to let you know.  Just trying to keep you on your foot fingers!


~Photos courtesy of




Matty said...

Somehow I was getting the impression that your guests were animals, so I wasn't too far off. Yes, we have those "guests" here too. My wife spends more money on bird seed than the government does on the national debt.

And I love your butt story. How ingenious. This put a smile on my face.

5thsister said...

I like to put cream cheese, tomatoes and fresh basil on my butt...and with my recent weight loss I can now fit my bagel into my daughter's jeans!

Jenn Erickson said...

When I got to the end of your story about your summer friends I completely laughed my "bagel"off! I was reading along, feeling a bit horrified for you that some freeloaders had taken advantage of your kind heart and hospitality, and was greatly relieved to find that the ne'er do wells were of the feathered persuasion! Well, what they lack in social graces, they certainly make up for in good looks!

It is always such a pleasure and a treat to read your posts. And your comments always make my day!

Warmest wishes,

Joanna Jenkins said...

I used to have a bird feeder by my back door but it always left such a huge mess that I moved it all the way to the back of the yard.

Love the bagel/butt story. Ten year olds are so fun to do this kind of thing with-- You'll still be talking about it 30 years from now :-)

Cheers, jj

Jenny said...

Really, really cute post. I think Paula Deen is ahead of you on the butt buttering, though. Isn't that one of her favorite phrases? 'Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!"