Monday, March 21, 2011

I Might Buy It If I Had A Coupon

Sometimes our dinner table conversation gets a little carried away.  A few days ago we started coming up with unnecessary products that aren't (yet) available.  Have a look and see if there is anything you can't live without. 


Kwick Kill Brand Vitamin Enriched Rat Poison - Only the best will do for your family.  That's especially true when it comes to eradicating vermin.  Our tasty pellets are enriched with calcium for strong bones and flax seed oil for a shiny pelt.  Simply distribute Kwick Kill Brand pellets in areas pests are known to inhabit.  Once consumed, death should occur in two to four hours.  Your family will have only the healthiest dead rodents.  Guaranteed or your money back.

Kids Love Em Brand Bone-In Fish Sticks - Because our product is minimally processed, our fish sticks are more economical than the leading brand.  Your children will delight in finding and removing the bones from each tasty, batter dipped morsel.  Serve with tartar sauce and fresh lemon wedges.  Note:  Pliers may be required to remove larger bones.  Caution: Potential choking hazard.  Do not serve to children.

Caliente Pharmaceuticals Jalapeno Flavored Antacid Tablets - Other antacids may work, but they leave an unpleasant, chalky aftertaste.  Caliente brand antacid tablets have a mildly spicy flavor that can be enjoyed after any heartburn inducing meal.  Dosage:  Chew one or two Jalapeno Flavored Tablets to stop heartburn.  If pain persists, discontinue use.  Caution:  May cause heartburn.

Boheme Pilsner Super Light Beer - This is no ordinary light beer!  Full bodied, crisp and refreshing, Boheme Pilsner Light Beer weighs in at just 99 calories per bottle, but that's not what makes it the perfect beer for today's weight conscious beer consumer.  Boheme is blended with diuretics.  If you thought beer ran through you before, just wait until you try Boheme! It doesn't stay with you long enough to cause weight gain and think of all the calories you'll burn running to the bathroom!  Boheme's Motto - Through the lips, over the gums, look out kidneys, here it comes!

Today's Gourmet Breath Mints - You may not be able to afford to eat gourmet foods, but you can afford to smell like you did.  Choose from one of six varieties;  Lamb with Rosemary, Boeuf Bourguignon, Oysters Rockefeller, Trout Almondine, Osso Bucco and Chicken Florentine.  The flavor and aroma last for hours.  You're wallet may give you away, but your breath never will.

Cozy Home Coffee Flavored Tea - Can't decide whether to have a cup of coffee or a cup of tea?  With Cozy Home Brand Coffee Flavored Tea, you never have to choose!  For a complete breakfast, serve with our omelet flavored pancakes and sausage flavored bacon.

Stylemaster Temporary House Paint - Selecting a color for your house can be difficult.  What may look good on a small sample might not look great on a large scale.  With Stylemaster's Temporary House Paint 3 Step System, you can take the guesswork out of choosing the perfect color.  Step One - Thoroughly clean siding with our liquid Prep Cleaner and the blue sponge that comes with the kit.  Be sure to saturate well.  Primer will not adhere to any untreated surface.  Step Two - Using the two inch foam brush that comes with the kit, apply Stylemaster Temporary Primer in a short stroke crosshatch fashion.  Be sure to apply liberally.  Paint will not adhere to any unprimed surface.  Step Three - Apply Stylemaster Temporary Paint (in color of your choice) in horizontal strokes using the two inch bristle brush that comes with the kit.  Vertical strokes may not adhere properly.  That's it, you're done!  Stand back and admire your work.  If you like the color and wish to apply it permanently, you will need to purchase the Stylemaster Temporary House Paint Remover system to remove the temporary paint.  Warning:  Do not use if rain is predicted within 30 days of application.  Direct sunlight may alter color and finish of paint.  Paint may adhere permanently to skin, clothing, masonry, auto finishes, trees, grass, shrubs and ornamental plants.  Stylemaster products may leave a residue that will prevent any paint (including Stylemaster brand) from adhering, in which case, sand blasting may be necessary.    
Elegant Hostess Disposable Outdoor Dinner Gloves - It happens every time.  You set your outdoor table  for an al fresco meal, when suddenly the wind picks up and blows the napkins away.  With Elegant Hostess Disposable Outdoor Dinner Gloves, you can leave your worries behind.  Each diner removes their gloves from our lovely, weighted pop-up dispenser just as dinner is served so there are no napkins to blow away.  Your guests will love the convenience of being able to pick up buttery corn, juicy chicken and saucy ribs without getting their hands sticky.  And who needs a napkin when you can wipe you face with a gloved hand?  Made of soft-spun paper, they are disposable as well as elegant.  One size fits all.  Also available in poncho style.

Grandma's Kitchen Salted Sugar - Have you ever confused the salt container with the sugar container?  Never again with Grandma's Kitchen Salted Sugar.  Each bag contains 2 1/2 pounds sugar and 2 1/2 pounds salt blended together.  Note:  May make sweet dishes overly salty.  May also make salty dishes overly sweet.

Ultra Secure Screaming Bathroom Door Lock -  If there is one place you want privacy, it's the bathroom.  But how can you be sure the door is locked?  You can check and double check, but do you really feel secure?  The Ultra Secure Screaming Bathroom Door Lock will put your mind at ease.  Immediately upon locking the door, the hinge mounted speaker will broadcast a 120 decibel blood curdling scream to let you know that the lock has been activated.  Now that's peace of mind.  Easy to install, battery operated.

YouNeek Fragrances Unscented Perfume - Sometimes you feel like putting on perfume, but you're bothered by the smell of it.  YouNeek Fragrances has created just the product for those days.  Made with an exclusive blend of hydrogen and oxygen, it's fragrance free and hypo-allergenic.  $165 per ounce.  Available at a high end fragrance counter near you.



L.B. said...

Awesome stuff! I'd love to see that catalog. Some of the pictures would be classic.

YouNeek - That's great. Pretty, uh, unique :) Love it.

You actually made me want to think about maybe trying some of these products as a gag gift type thing. I'm guessing the breath mints would be just nasty though. Ugh!

Salted sugar... ha!

lisleman said...

Jalapeno - believe it or not, long ago I had a meeting with a sales rep from Texas and he passed out Jalapeno lollipops - what a shocker when you sucked on those!
Paper dinner gloves - now that's a great idea. Also, you have a hit with the combo poncho set.
I posted an idea for Fat-Ass donuts awhile back - do you want to place an order?

5thsister said...

I'll order the Lamb with Rosemary breath mints, please. Oh and maybe I need a pack of those disposable dinner gloves as well!

You are a hoot, Su! I bet sooner or later someone will come out with that fragrance. Just you wait.

Betty Manousos@ CUT AND DRY said...

I can't live without those dinner gloves...haha
But all these products are really great!
Enjoyed this post very much.


B xx

Attila The Mom said...

Haha! Oh, that was brilliant!!

My Farmhouse Kitchen said...

great post

Happy to stop by today

i have missed you

sending love,
kary and teddy

Jenny said...

You're a nut! Thanks for the smile!

Joanna Jenkins said...

You are too funny, Willoughby. These are a hoot. I especially like "Gourmet Breath Mints" and "Temporary House Paint". I see a new business or two brewing.
xo jj

Holly said...

You all are having too much fun. I think I need the coffee flavored tea and the salted sugar. There is a mint to be made with one of these ideas for sure.

Kellyansapansa said...

You guys should so go into product development!