Monday, May 11, 2009

Monday Humor

I thought I would start the week with some humor and share the most ridiculous story I read in a tabloid a few years ago. I don't often read tabloids, but it's a guilty pleasure I enjoy when we're on vacation. If we're in a store that carries them, I will look for the one with the most outrageous stories and buy it. It makes for fun reading on the beach. The problem is, I can't find the story on the internet. I can still tell you about it, of course, but without the accompanying photo, it won't be as funny.

According to this tabloid (I think it may have been The Weekly World News), childless couples were being duped by an adoption agency that was selling them shaved baby monkeys and passing them off as human infants. As I recall, the couples were paying around $60,000 per "baby" and were heartbroken months, or, sometimes years later, when they discovered that their son or daughter wasn't human. There was a photo of a man and his "son", who appeared to be about two years old, along with the article. The "son" was a poorly photoshopped morph of a boy and a monkey. He was wearing overalls, I think. It was the funniest, most ridiculous picture I've ever seen. I did find reference to this story online, but this is not the original picture that was printed with the story.

If the parents hadn't noticed something unusual about this baby, don't you think their pediatrician should have? Imagine someone pushing this baby past your house in a stroller. Do you think you might be fooled? Didn't think so!

The next item has no photos, but never fails to make me laugh. I clipped it out of a tabloid (I don't remember which one) years ago. I read it every once in a while when I need a laugh. Here it is, word for word:

How To Prevent UFO Abductions

The EWAAB says you can't elude a determined alien if he is really intent on getting you, but you can do certain things to make yourself less attractive - and hopefully send him elsewhere for a victim. They offer gals the following pointers on how to avoid UFO abductions and rape:
  • WEAR YELLOW: Aliens don't like yellow - especially mustard yellow - and have never abducted anyone wearing that color.
  • DON'T DRIVE OR GO OUT AT NIGHT: If you must go somewhere, use music as a protection. Switch your car radio or boom box to easy listening, Muzak-type tunes that aliens hate. Harp and zither music also drives them away.
  • USE A PROTECTIVE SCENT: Oddly enough, mosquito repellent will ward off space aliens. So will the odor of bourbon whiskey, which can be splashed on like perfume for alien protection.
  • NEVER, EVER, GO ANYWHERE ALONE: Aliens rarely abduct anyone in front of witnesses.
  • BATHE OFTEN: Spacemen locate most of their victims by body odor. If you're scentless, they will choose someone else.
  • WEAR PLATINUM: Platinum causes space alien appliances to malfunction.

I have no idea what the EWAAB is, but at least you now have a valid reason to smell like bourbon. Imagine explaining that one to a police officer if you get pulled over?

Officer - "Have you been drinking tonight?"

You - "No, sir, I'm trying to ward off alien abduction by wearing bourbon as perfume."

I'll bet they hear that all the time.


L.B. said...

Okay, I couldn't resist trying to figure out what EWAAB stands for so I googled it. Perhaps you should consider joining the group...

Earth Women Against Alien Brutality

Lissaloo said...

lol, thanks for the laugh :) the monkey picture was kinda creepy, don't think i'd pay thousands to take him home :)

Raoulysgirl said...

Thanks for the giggle!

5thsister said...

Priceless sides hurt from laughing too hard. Oh and I hate Muzak, too so I must be decended from aliens! Monkey kids? Oh how silly! And what about the glaring contradiction - Protective scent vs. scentless? Luis, you're too funny. EWAAB!

Charlotte said...

Tabloids come up with some interesting stories.